Purpose of this post
Where it started
Pinnacle moment - connect with possible similarities with others
First attempts, first perspective, desire to share
How I got back on track, what have changed, what I’ve realized
What lessons I’ve learned
What is this post about?
What is the purpose
What is it for you
What is it for me
Short story about Pavel Kotlykov
Nootropics, nutrition, meditation, glimpses of peace.
No commitment, another mask
Shame, guilt, self-delusion, but it perception was changed
Who am I now?
I want to be free here and now
How I communicate and how I want to communicate
There’s no “why” in terms of what makes me qualify to share - I just believe I can help
Today, I’d like to introduce myself. Simply. Authentically. Vulnerably.
I’m a messy human being. At least, I know that I was full of shit until recently. I’ve lied. I’ve been fearful and useless. I was getting myself deeper and deeper into the dark rooms of my psyche.
Until I was forced to face everything I have become. At that moment, inner transformation started to happen in my inner core which led me to where I’m now.
I want to open myself to you so you know whose words you are reading and what kind of human being stands behind these words
I hope we can resonate somewhere along the lines. I hope you can “meet” yourself in what I’m talking about. I hope to show you how similar our paths might be when we dig deeper than scratching the surface.
I’m deeply grateful for your time and decision to be here and now… however, I must say that it’s valuable for me also.
This “opening” is very important for myself as it takes courage to drop off the social masks and expose the dark sides. I’ve realized how scared I was to show up in the world as an authentic, vulnerable, and imperfect pile of experiences.
Born in Russia, I’ve spent 22 years swimming in the culture I struggled to fit in. Changing schools. Moving from one place to another. I couldn’t find my “pack” constantly drifting between several social groups.
It was relatively easy to go through school and my grades remained high even when my classmates struggled. This “easiness” continued in my years in University where I started to do side projects.
I’ve played with stock markets and lost a fortune (relative term for a Russian student, of course). I was doing 3D visualizations of interiors for the local architect and created affiliate websites in hope to catch some profits from the work of others.
My last two years, I’ve got a small business loan and opened a company selling sweets and bakery products in one of my city’s shopping centers. Later, with my best friend, we’ve opened a construction company which was pretty successful… until I’ve moved to Canada where my parents have been living for 4 years.
Main reason for moving was the birth of my little brother. We have 22 years age difference.
I didn’t plan to stay. But because we’ve separated with a girlfriend (been together for 3 years) and because I’ve found that I’ve missed my family, I’ve decided to stay for a while and explore new culture.
That’s when I’ve “sharpened” my skill to fit in by wearing social masks. I’ve sensed what people wanted and became that. With time, I forgot who I am.
This personal masquerade mixed with alcohol and other bad habits, had created a mess out of my molding personality. I was lying to my friends and parents. I had goals and side projects but none of them succeeded.
I felt sucked into the routine of parties. I’ve stopped making goals. I didn’t have a drive to grow as a person.
It was dark. It was lonely. It felt awful to reflect on what I was doing.
Until I had no choice other than facing my shadow side.
But before, let me tell you that I’ve been reading lots of information about self-development. I’ve followed blogs. I’ve taken online courses. I’ve played with websites, search engine optimization, and selling products on Amazon.
But again, I kept loosing momentum each time I went to spend friends which have been changed constantly. I wanted to taste spontaneity and explore new experiences leaving aside the responsibility for my own life - for my happiness; for my fulfillment; for meaning; for owning my choices and decisions.
I felt alive for a short moment. Then I felt broken for longer periods of time. And the depth of my sadness/emptiness/incompleteness was increasing with every new act of becoming blind to responsibility for my life.
More and more I was realizing how empty are the dialogues of people I’ve spent time with; how repetitive and obvious are their topics for discussion; how concentrated are they on what they have in mind completely loosing the beauty of authentic communication.
I’ve started noticing the absurdity of majority of conversations. It seemed as I’ve “overgrown” all of them. But why then I felt worse than each of them? Now I’m aware of games of my egoic mind. But back then - I wasn’t.
Slowly, I was loosing interest in talking with people. Yet, I didn’t realize that I must create some sort of a change in my life in order to shift my own inner world… in order to change how I perceive the outer world.
So, my unconscious drift continued.
Going through this inner conflict, unexpectedly, I became interested in nootropics, or so-called smart drugs. As I see it now, it happened because I felt that they can change me without me being responsible; without any conscious effort. In other words, I hoped they will do all the work for me.
Luckily, nootropics have helped me. They helped to develop my interest in the importance of nutrition and dietary supplements.
I’ve caught the wave of true and playful discovery.
I’ve started altering my sleep routine, changing my diet, and adding some basic supplements into my life. That opened up forgotten clarity which was long forgotten. It turned out that I was walking in a mental fog for the past 5 years. It was mind-blowing to experience this dramatic difference in my overall well-being because of these simple changes.
With time I’ve started experimenting with different guided meditations. I wanted to do that for a long time but then I finally gained enough self-esteem to try without being afraid to fail.
And this was my pinnacle moment.
I started to feel first glimpses of inner peace and realized that this peace is open for me in any moment. It was always within me. It was miraculous to discover how powerful my intentions might be if I allow myself to believe.
What has been happening after is a too much for this blog post. But I’m going to discuss all major events in the upcoming blog posts relative to the topic.
For now, I’d like to point out that it wasn’t all beautiful. It also isn’t easy today. I’m pretty sure, you know what I’m talking about.
The journey within isn’t sweet - it’s accompanied with
inner conflicts, “spiritual masquerade”, mind-games, relationship’s difficulties, and myriads of other road blocks which you must recognize and transcend on your awakening journey.
As this post is about introducing myself, I must tell you that I’m constantly “slipping” back into unconsciousness after two years of self-work… and that’s ok. Because it just so and I’m determined to grow. In the present moment.
It’s OK that I’m not dedicated to my awakening”. Or, It’s OK that I’m feeling guilt for not following through with my own commitments. Guilt, and shame, are illusive to us, especially when automatic mind is in control of our thoughts.
What’s important is that I allow myself to feel guilt without being stuck in it. How to notice guilt is the question each of us has to answer for ourselves. I found that it exposes itself when I ask revealing and honest questions - “Why am I really not following through with my commitments?”, “Why it’s so hard for me to be confident?”. At the core of that “socratic questioning” I often find myself face to face with some sort of guilt. But again, that’s me. You have to dig for yourself to find it for yourself.
So, try recognize if you actually carry shame, or guilt, within you. Calm your mind and let it sink through your being. It’s going to go away. But you have to face it and talk with yourself from the place of non-emotional observer. Emotions are our most intimate teachers. Apply perspective and move on with your dreams on a different height appreciating the growth which guilt had gifted you.
It’s OK that I sometimes feel as I’m insane. Because there’s no other way to get out of the box of social conditioning without appearing crazy/insane/strange to those whose behavior is unconscious. Yes, I want to be a part of a community. I want to be recognized and noticed. What if community has no capacity to accept “alien” ideas? It attempts to bring you back to a common mental state because accepting would mean that people have to change themselves. And many are terrified of change.
Sometimes rejection and judgment triggers my thoughts like - “Am I crazy? Am I lost in my own mind?”. I’m sure that I’m not alone. What’s needed at these moments is presence. Nothing else needed to “work” with your mind. Then, you let go compulsive need to fit into the crowd by “seeing” what drives the system - the mind; beliefs; conditioning.
The nature of our mind is the same. By observing and reflecting on your own you release the need to be resentful towards others. They do the best they can. We all do.
So, be proud of your difference. Practice compassion to those who don’t understand, or even offend, you. You will make more positive impact on their lives by being loving/kind/authentic/free then anyone who steps on the footprints of the sick society.
It’s OK that I’m going back to the lessons I thought I’ve learned. Or, It’s OK that I was wrong when I thought I was right. I thought that it’s my fault that I didn’t “get” something before so I wouldn’t have to come back and waste more time. Oh, time.
Later, I have come to believe that this is the most natural way to expand my knowledge. By “reiterating” the lessons I smooth their boundaries so it’s easier to merge different ideas and create something truly innovating. Rigidity in holding to learned ideas gives birth to unconscious suffering because that old idea had become a part of you.
So, learn to be impartial. Identify yourself with nothing. Brake the attachment to any idea so you can use it to grow/evolve/create. (I’m going to write a full post on this topic soon so stay tuned if you’re interested.)
It’s OK that I have to forgive myself because I’m not what I thought I will be by that time.
Noticed that everything above is derived from one big idea? The idea is that our so-called awakening inevitably cause some sort of friction with our environment and with our ourselves. Both type of “stoppers” are going to hold us where we are. That’s just how things work.
There’s another way to look at it that helps me immensely. Do you know why all of this is actually OK by default?
Because everything is OK. There’s no right or wrong. There’s only relative perception of right or wrong. There’s no such thing as struggle until we let ourselves to struggle. And this realization with determination to go deeper is what I would call freedom.
I am still a mess.
I’m a mess. Spiritual mess. I don’t judge myself for that. I accept the fact that I don’t always right… because there’s no right or wrong… only in relation to something else it could be true or not-true.
But I forgive myself and allow to share my mistakes and pain, so it can improve a Life… and lives of those who might choose to listen and learn from it… while I don’t stop learning myself.
How am I learning in the process?
How do I look for the truth? How do I choose where to apply my attention?
I seek for it everywhere I can. I seek for it trying not to get caught by one approach. That’s why I allow myself to “scratch” the surface of knowledge in certain area without learning about every detail of it.
Because one of the things that I’ve learned that everything is purposeless and perfectly useful at the same time. “Purposeless” and “useful” are relative concepts too… and they can make us worry about the “right” way we choose… or the “right” goal we choose.
We must relax. We must accept what we’ve chosen.
What I choose to believe in is intersection points of teachings of all kinds. The one and only reference point is me - reflection on my own experiences.
What does it mean to reflect on myself? With the ever-increasing capacity to observe my inner magic without being identified with it. By calming the compulsive mind. By meditation. By observation. By spending time in nature in solitude without constant influence of “talking” automatic brains around me.
What do I reflect on? On the whole world around me. On the whole world expressed by other human beings through words, art, actions. I’m blessed to have access to an enormous valley of knowledge in a form of books, movies, poetry, and “teachings” of brilliant people from all kinds of traditions and origins.
Politics, business, and other concepts created from the mind and for the mind are not what I’m talking about.
I’m referring to the pinnacle points of science as Quantum theory,
or to an enormous complex of all kinds of Spiritual teachings,
or to contemplation about the meaning of Love,
or to fantastic stories (for example, Azimov with his 3 laws, or anything else that expands the narrowness of our thinking capability in order to free some space for new truth which is not supported by the majority),
or to certain type of self-development (the one which is not focused on strategies to gain more, but the type that’s emphasizes our ability to abandon a victim mindset and re-create things - Vishen, Robbins, etc),
or to historical events and archaeology (Graham Hancock and Ancient civilizations; alternative story of our kind; previous mass extinctions).
It’s all approximations of the Truth of course… and it must be developed and evolved. But I choose to temporarily accept, and merge, some perspectives… and stay firmly on the hybrid of various ideas that I’ve created out of everything I’ve learned… just to let it be transformed by something more profound… something that feels closer to the Truth… something that will create a different hybrid… just so I can continue my journey in this lifetime.
What I truly want is to unshackle myself from everything that constraints the expression of my soul.
I want to find the way to be my most authentic self - imperfect, vulnerable, and weird - in this world that doesn’t accept that. Yet.
I want to discover new ways of merging the eternal truth and society of humans.
I want to be a contributing part of the planet’s awakening and learn from everyone who is on the same path.
I want to learn and implement “what does it mean to be free and connected to All There Is while having this beautiful experience of physical relativity”.
One of the biggest visions of mine is to develop new ways of communication between human beings by showing how absurdly “narrow” today’s ways are.
Then, based on our most inner qualities, such as love/trust/truth/harmony/peace/reverence-for-god, create and implement new - sometimes “hard-to-accept” means of communication.
I don’t know how it’s going to go. Maybe, I’ll pivot along the way. But now, my goal is to get those who resonate together into a new type of community - Flow Base - where we can experiment together, ask for help, give help, form teams, accomplish projects, meet and have a tea discussing our journeys, play and laugh on the streets full of mind-identified people in order to shake them up.
So, why would I qualify for all of that?
I don’t know. Maybe I’m not. Maybe, I don’t agree that I have to qualify for anything in order to learn, play, and share.
Neither do I believe that you have to qualify for anything.
Tell me in the comments section, what would you do in the world if it would accept it fully without a tiny judgement?
Hint: I think, that’s what you should work your path towards :)