If you are married to a person who addicted to or under the influence of drugs, alcohol, or other mind-altering substances these writings may be of little use to you, except to perhaps confirm to you what you may have already known within yourself. If this is the case, the question to you may be, what are you going to do about it?
Also, people from different cultures view marriage differently. Even different people within the same culture view marriage differently. In some cultures, women are view as the property of the husband. In this case, the husband can do whatever he wants to her and the wife has no say in the matter. Fortunately, in this country the wife has full rights. But, even so, there are still some husbands who treat their wives as it he owned her.
It is extremely important not to have children with someone until or unless you know that you can fully trust that person. Before you have children with a person that person should meet these basic requirements.
It is recommended not to have children with someone who..,.
Marriage consists of two very different people coming together to make a new entity, the marriage. During the courting and dating process, both parties are usually putting their best foot forward, or, to put it more plainly, but the man and the woman have been pretending to be someone whom they are not. They may be acting much nicer and more agreeable than they are in real life. It’s often not until after the marriage and after the honeymoon period of the first year begins to wear off that they each begin to drop their masks.
It may be especially hard on the woman because many women may step into the role of being the husband’s helper, and, in a way, his servant. Some men are more controlling and think of the wife as their property. Fortunately, those roles are gradually changing.
Each Marriage is different because the people involved in each marriage are different. However, we can isolate some basic principles of a healthy marriage.
None of these principles will help unless you actually live by them. You also need to know that every person and every situation is different and you will have to adjust it to fit you and your woman, and your particular situation. Some parts may work better than others.
In reading through all of this it may seem overwhelming to you. But you don’t have take is all in all at once. Just pick one thing and do it the best that you can. Then pick another and do it the best that you can. And on and on and on. You probably won’t get the hang of it in a day or a week, or a month, or even in a year. It may take you a number of years to really begin to get the hang of it. (Or, if you really give it your best you may get the hang of it in a surprisingly short time.)
Become a sounding board for your wife
Men who are in the middle of struggling or failed relationships often ask questions about how to fix their relationships.… But any answer is only of any value if it is given in the appropriate context. For example, if a soldier was on the battlefield and the enemy was charging and close at hand, if he were to ask, “How can I have inner peace?”. It would not be appropriate to say, “Sit down, close your eyes, and meditate for 30 minutes.” However, if he had just come home from a very demanding job and was all stressed out, that suggestion to meditate would be quite appropriate. So, this document is an attempt to lay out the context from which I’m answering any questions.
To the husband I say, always remember “Happy wife, happy life” and “Do you want to be right or do you want to have a good relationship with your wife?”
Marriage is not for the faint of heart. Marriage is not for those just looking for a good time.
Marriage is about two individuals coming together to make a new entity, that which is based upon each person becoming a part of something much bigger than themselves.
Marriage is the joining together of two separate individuals into one cohesive unit. being married is about being a partnership, being a team where you are both focused on the success of the mission
In its best sense, marriage is about committing to one person for the rest of your life, being there for that person through the thick and the thin, helping each other through the rough spots (and there will be many rough spots)
Choosing who you will marry may be the most important decision that you will ever make in your life. Besides everything else it is also a contractual relationship that will affect you and a number of other people for many years.
Before they are married, when two people are learning about each other, each person is on their best behavior. Each one is trying to be as nice as possible so that will make a good impression on the other. Another name for this time period (of being extra nice) is “The Big Pretense”. When they are only together a few hours a week it is relatively easy to put up a false face and act pleasant and nice during that time. It tahes being with each other quite a lot going through a lot of experiences together before a person will begin to let down the mask. As much as possible it is a good idea to try to have the two of you spend as much time with each other’s families. It is harder to pretend around one’s own family. You will have a much better chance of seeing him/her as she/he truly is.
Our spousal relationships are among the most powerful influences that we have, it will greatly affect the course of our lives. Whom you marry will greatly affect who you become. In much the same way, when a woman marries you, how you treat her greatly affects who she becomes.
“and the two shall become one flesh.”
Let us take the example of one of us walking down a path. We carefully Place one foot after another, first this foot then that foot, again and again. As we walk we are carefully placing each foot on the ground. our two feet are in perfect stride. We do it so naturally we don’t even hardly think about it but we are still careful in how we place our feet. We would never knowingly put either of our feet someplace where they could get hurt. We take very good care of both feet and watch how we walk so that we walk without pain and or without Danger. Our feet are part of a larger whole, that is our body. Our inner guide directs our body into a self and healthy way
In much the same way when two people are living together in unity as one each of them is careful about how they live so that the other is not hurt. Just as the two feet walk in harmony together, in the same way the couple walks in unison together. Neither of them would do anything to hurt the other. Their every thought and every action is done in a way to protect and ….. the other.
For example, if we stub our toe or if we sprain our ankle we take time to take care of it. We do whatever is necessary to protect and care for it until it heals.
Marriage is the joining together of two separate individuals into one cohesive unit. being married is about being a partnership, being a team where you are both focused on the success of the mission
What is being married about and what does being married mean? The specifics of that question can vary widely between each marriage. No one can really define what marriage is going to be like for each participant. But this is an attempt to give some general concept of what our perceptions are about marriage. You can take whatever makes sense to you or what might be appropriate for your situation. Feel free to set the rest aside for now.
Apart from some life-changing force, any man is only as honorable and noble as he is going to be. What does that mean? The character of each man is partly determined by his own inner bent, partly by his upbringing, partly by the friends that he chooses or that choose him, and partly determined by the path that he chooses or that is put upon him.
It also requires for you to change your perspective from what you want, desire to what is good for your wife, what she wants and what pleases her. Ultimately what is good for your wife is good for your marriage
This requires a change in one’s whole mindset. Just to be OK to always be willing to do the extra work to serve my wife, to make sure that she is safe and cared for.
When you feel that you have done everything that you can think of and failed. When you think that you are at the end of your rope and you think that you can do no more, the answer usually involves stepping up to a higher level and doing more than you ever thought possible.
However, it may not be doing more of what you have been doing. It may be evident that what you have been doing hasn’t been working, and doing more of that isn’t going to work.
Instead, it often involves doing more of something else that may be totally foreign to you. This requires you to act in a whole new way, a way that is proactive, not reactive.
Your attitude is one of the biggest factors in you being able to ….. Your attitude determines what thoughts you allow yourself to think and what decisions you make.
Humor has such an important place in building a good marriage.
What does it mean to be a wife?
It is only natural for your wife to have the seeds of love in her as she relates to you.
This country is said to have Christian roots and a Christian heritage. Along with this claim goes the assertion that the husband is the head of the wife just as Christ is the head of the church. Through many centuries men have used this to dominate, control, & abuse women. In connection with this mentality, it was considered acceptable by some men for a husband to claim his right to have sex with his wife even if she said no.
Guys, you don’t need to do great and wonderful things to try to impress your wife. Rather it’s the daily small things that you can do on a day-by-day moment by moment. Such as washing the dishes or helping her make the bed or saying that she’s beautiful and meaning it
It is the compilation of all the seemingly insignificant little things, or the lack of them, that will take the marriage# down a positive or negative path.
In all of your interactions with your wife, subtly watch her face and her body language. She often will not tell you whether or not something feels good or if she likes something, but you can learn it for yourself by watching.
She is not your possession. Regardless of any marriage ceremony, covenants, agreements, etc, she can come and go of her own free will. If she stays with you it is because she wants to stay with you, because it is good for her and she feels safe with you.
Loving Your Wife
What does it mean to love your wife? What does it mean to love?
Do you Want Your Wife to Truly Love you?
Your efforts to improve your marriage may only be minimal unless or until you begin improving your own self, developing self-control
Working as a Team
In our marriage and in our home, my wife and I work as a team. We both contribute our best efforts to help each other and to do what needs to be done.
What works best in a marriage relationship is where both parties are fully able and willing to fully speak their minds confidently and safely and who are both continually willing to fully hear what the other has to say and to consider the other’s point of view as fully and genuinely as their own. It is both in feeling safe enough to fully express oneself and also in giving the other the safety and full attention to encourage him or her to fully speak what is in one’s heart and mind.
Yet to be written
Yet to be written
Keep your goal in sight. What kind of marriage do you want? What kind of relationship do you want with your wife? What kind of relationship does your wife want with you?
Don’t get caught in a rut. This is a process of continuous growth and continuous improvement.
Just because you have a thought does not mean that you have to speak it to your wife. Likewise, just because you have a thought does that mean that you have to act on it. As Stephen Covey has said, Put a pause between the stimulus and the action. When you have a thought, put a pause in the space before you say it. During the pause consider saying this might affect your wife, either positively or negatively.
Your wife is a trove full of the greatest treasured waiting to be unlocked. They can only be unlocked by you. But they can’t be unlocked directly. Much like the peeling of an onion they are revealed layer by layer. The treasures are not waiting there to be taken by force. (if it was possible for you to break open the treasure vault you would find it to be empty. Rather, the treasure is being created bit by bit, layer by layer. This process is dependant upon you. It is created or destroyed through your daily actions and attitudes, it synchronized with your daily
Having a relationship with your wife is like no other relationship in the world. Your wife will challenge you in areas that you don’t want to be challenged, and yet it will be good for you to be challenged in those areas. You will be coming much better human being for it.
Gone are the days when the husband was the head of the household, the bosses the family. Hopefully those days are gone forever because those days were not good for the wife or for you either.
Let your wife do what she does. You are not her boss and she is not your servant. She is free to do anything that she chooses to do. You have no control over her. She can only become your true partner and soulmate if you genuinely realize and follow these principles.
Let your wife have her own full and free expression of her own ideas and who she is. Let her act on her ideas as much as possible. If she makes a mistake, she makes the mistake and she will learn from that, and she will become a better life partner for you. as long as you don’t condemn her for making mistakes. If you docan condemn her for making mistakes then she will either hide her mistakes or get defensive and she will stick up for her mistakes and won’t learn from them.
Your wife needs to feel special in your eyes
The mechanics versus the “feel” of it
Train Yourself what to be aware of and what to be sensitive to. No one can be aware of everything and know everything. But there are specific things that are important to your wife. Watch for the triggers that point those out and then train yourself how to act in those situations.
(This part yet to be written.)
Do you want to be married to tp a loving, caring, honorable and trustworthy man? Then you make sure that you are loving, caring, honorable, and trustworthy. You need to act out and demonstrate the type of behavior that you want from your man. (i.e. honest, trustworthy, kind, compassionate, etc.) But there is much more to it than that.
Does your husband eagerly come home at night or does he seem to find excuses to stay away.
Serious Marital problems are usually not a result of just one thing that was done wrong but are often a compilation of the way that one is living life and interacting with one’s spouse. However, a crisis can flare up as the result of a triggering event.
Having marital problems is not a time to get upset or defensive. Instead, it is time to make things better. One reason that there are problems is that things are not working well between the two of you. Don’t make the other person your enemy in this. Rather, let the two of you work together to find a solution that works well for both of you.
By working through problems together you may discover things about yourself that you never knew before and learn things about your spouse that you never knew before.
Working through problems requires a higher degree of awareness and honesty than perhaps you have been using before. You can’t fix the problem if you’re not honest about the causes of the problem. This requires each person to examine oneself and take responsibility for their part in the problem.
Problems are not just isolated events. What I mean by that is that when you fix what you perceived to be a single problem it may make other areas in your marriage better as well. That is because each part of your marriage is interconnected with other parts of the marriage even if it’s not readily apparent.
Assuming that you married a reasonable decent woman, how your wife/woman acts toward you now is a direct result of how you have treated her through the years. If you didn’t marry a reasonable decent woman, then that comes back on you also. You made a poor choice.
What happened to that beautiful delightful woman that they couldn’t wait to marry with eager anticipation?
There are many reasons why marriages break up. We cannot cover all those reasons here, nor can we even know what they are. Here is our governing idea, considering a normal healthy man and woman, if the wife is getting everything that she needs from her husband (genuine love, tenderness, kindness, attentiveness, consideration, healthy intimacy, etc) there isn’t a man in the world who can steal her from her husband.
In order to make corrections in anything, one must examine what went wrong.
Did you break your wife’s trust in you?
Stop with the “confronting” her. Why do you do that? Don’t you realize that when you do that you are only driving her further away from you? It seems to me that one of the biggest reasons that a woman will cheat on a man is because the other man is giving her love respect attention and freedom that she’s not getting from her husband. When a wife is unfaithful or cheats on her husband, she is in the wrong. However, the husband is rarely faultless when his wife “cheats” on him.
Women are not the problem. One of the biggest part of the problem is unhealthy or toxic masculinity.
In this country women have gained many rights (voting,….) and yet in many marriage relationships men think of themselves as the head of the wife, the boss, the one who makes the decisions, etc. In other words, in these relationships that women are seen as servants to their man, as second class citizens, etc. When a woman who has freedom in the community, but is subjected to the domination of her husband, the relationship can be strained and broken. The women are tired of being controlled, dominated, bullied, sexually forced (raped). So, many of them leave, especially if another man comes along and gives them the attention and freedom that they are not getting at home.
Don’t Blame Yourself
As much as we may desire that all relationships stay together and be healthy, sometimes that reality that there are unhealthy and dangerous relationships.
Who knows if it is too late to win her back, all you can do is to give it your best shot.
First off you have to understand and realize that you have been neglectful in attending to your wife’s needs. Your neglect is what set up the situation that made her susceptible to the advances of another man. And then when you confront her you are dumping guilt upon her head. That only drives her further away from you and into his loving embraces. If you want to have any chance at winning your wife back, you need to give her all the things that you’ve been neglecting. And, you need to willingly continue to give her those things for the rest of your life.
And here is one of your biggest challenges, to put away, permanently get rid of all of your anger, your controlling attitude, your jealousy, your condemnation of your spouse for cheating on you. Those would do you no good, rather they will only push it further into the arms of the other man.
Instead, always treat her with love, compassion, kindness, and tenderness. Even when you know she’s been out with the other guy do not confront her about it. Rather treat who kindly in gentleness.
Making assessments are different than blaming.
The message is to keep pressing on and to NEVER NEVER give up.
Our intention is not to discourage you, but to give you hope by showing you an example of what works for us. We are not saying that what is laid out here is the only way or the best way. We encourage you to take what seems appropriate for you and adapt it to fit with the way your family works. Do what works for you and your wife.
You are yelling because he is yelling and he is yelling because you are yelling. Neither one of you is listening. Instead you are yelling your loudest trying to get the other to listen to you. And so it goes, round and round. How did it end up this way? Is this the type of relationship that you want?
Hey you, husband, don’t you realize that your wife would become the wife of your dreams if you would treat her nicely and promptly attend to her needs? Of course this would require a lot from you. It would require you to stop being that selfish guy who only thinks of yourself and start to grow up and think about the needs of your woman? It means putting the needs and desires of your waman first before all your other interests and entertainments. Putting your woman first is the most important steps in becoming a man of integrity and honor. It will also bring you rewards and privileges that can not be obtain any other way.
Some of these rewards may be had very quickly while others may take many years to develop. But you must start now by using what you know. These rewards are really juat the fruit of…..
Stop telling your wife what to do. Stop trying to correct her. Let her be herself, with no condemnation from you. Willingly support her in everything that she wants to do.
When you are with your wife, be present with her. Don’t be thinking about other things, don’t be watching TV or playing video games or watching sports (you may be still able to do many of those things, but when you are with her, be present only with her, focused on her, listening attentively to her.)
You don’t have to do these things perfectly, in fact, you may never do them perfectly. And that’s OK. Just do them a little better every day.
Be there for your wife, day by day, be there for her. Make it important to you that you be there for her. Set it as your intention to be there for her.
We all have emotions. We all get sad, angry, …. But it is what we choose to do with those emotions that determine the quality of our relationships. Yes, I can be angry at my wife and still choose to treat her kindly.
There is nothing so wonderful as a wife who loves you dearly and is there for you, who defends you, who caresses you and smiles sweetly at you. It all begins with you. How you treat your wife, good or bad, will come back upon you.
Do things with your wife that she likes to do, do them willingly and cheerfully.
Take an interest in things that interest her.
As long as it is not immoral, unhealthy, or…. Just do what your wife asks you to do.
Set your intention and then act on your intention. Intentions are of no value unless they are acted out.
Put aside all of your grumpiness, anger, irritation, etc. Instead focus your mind to enjoy being with your wife and enjoy participating in what she is doing. If you aren’t able to fully enjoy yourself at first, then, as my counselor repeatedly told me, “Fake it Till You Make It”. Another old saying is, “Proper emotions follow proper actions.” Even if you don’t enjoy it at first, if you keep on pushing aside the negative thoughts and keep active pursuing good thoughts as you spend time with your wife, gradually you will begin to feel better and better about doing things with your wife.
Your wife’s physical and emotional safety must come before your sexual desires and needs. You must not pressure or manipulate her into having sex if she isn’t ready or doesn’t want it.
For you to honor and respect her “no” (both in word and in attitude) at all times and in all situations
Bully or intimidate her
Try to force her to do anything
Try to manipulate her into having sex with you.
Look around the house and see what needs to be done. Then just do it without waiting to be asked. Then do it with the quality and the precision as if this was your full time job at the company where you work. Keep learning to do it better. Take an interest in doing a better job at all of these, and more. Do the work cheerfully and willingly, without any grumbling or complaining.
If you have a hard time figuring out what to do first, then ask your wife where she needs the most hope, or what needs to be done first.
Wash the dishes,
Sweep and mop the floor
Vacuum the carpets
Do the washing
Make the beds
Change the sheets
Why Did you originally choose your wife. Be real and be specific. (Don’t be vague and say things like, “we fell in love.”) That does not say anything.
Either you chose a bad wife to be the mother
If your 84 children or you married a good woman and she turned bad after you got married
You need to recognize and admit where you went wrong or you are likely to make the same mistakes again.
If you truly chose a bad wife then you need to really examine yourself why you chose such a woman. You made that choice, it did not just happen to you. What were your defects of character that caused you to choose the type of woman that you chose? And if you really want to be honest you have to take a look that she was not all bad at the time that you married her. What changed in her after you married her?
if you had been a man of Great Character to honor and integrity you would not have married a no-account wife. And you seem to be claiming that your wife is a no-account person. so, I have to wonder how you got saddled with a no-account wife. Are you claiming that you had no blame in this matter?
The same is true for you. You can come and go at will. There is nothing that says you must stay in a marriage that is dangerous or unsafe.
You certainly shouldn’t be bringing children into a marriage that is unsafe
Different men have different thoughts and ideas about marriage. Some men may view their wives as property to do with as they wish. I certainly don’t recommend marrying such a man.
Throw away your “manly pride”, that is just foolish nonsense that brings pain and misery to all those around you. It also destroys relationships.
One thing that I do every night when I come to bed is to put some body moisturizer on my hands. This makes them softer and smoother when I touch and caress her bare skin throughout each night
Disclaimer: For spouses, but for women especially, if your spouse is addicted to Marijuana, drugs or other mind-altering substances, then non of this may apply.
If a woman is in an unhealthy marriage to an immature, abusive, or dangeroug man, what can she do? She has multiple choices.
Following this, we will explore each of these choices in more detail.
IN this I am not talking about a husband who is abusive or dangerous to live with.
I am not recommending that person stay with a dangerous man or in a dangerous environment. That is your own decision to make whether to stay or to go.
There are so many people who keep harming other people and then saying that they are sorry and asking for forgiveness. That can be an endless cycle of repetition. I say, do not do that. Instead of repeatedly saying that you are sorry for doing the same thing oh, I say stop that. Instead of doing that just stop humming people, change your behavior so that you no longer hurt anyone. That is the biggest and greatest apology that you can make, a change in Behavior.
A strong confident male does not have to be in charge of everything, he can let his wife lead will she needs to. He listens to his wife and values what she has to say.
He can be a servant to his wife and serve her willingly and cheerfully.
When she wants to talk to you don’t get too hung up on her having to say the right words. Dell may be times when she is feeling really down oh she might be confused or she might be grieving. When she speaks to you you need to listen without trying to correct too. But rather listen with trying to understand what she is meaning. Listen to her Beyond the woods
Thoughtfulness is an essential part of any good relationship. Being thoughtful means, in part, to continually be helpful or to make the other’s life more meaningful or enjoyable.
Being thoughtful is an attitude that can be cultivated. To start with you begin to look for ways to help her out, to meet her needs. The more you do it, gradually more thoughts will come about how to be helpful and thoughtful. The more that you act on those thoughts as soon as they come, the more additional thoughts will come. It’s like opening a faucet or unplugging a spring, more will continue to flow out of it.
Nothing pleases me more than being able to please my wife.
For example, an elderly woman who my wife was very close to just died. My wife is deeply grieving for her loss. My wife was able to receive some of her belongings. Among those were some hanging small quilts, which came with a quilt hanger. Easter is coming very shortly and my wife wanted to hang up a nice to quilt on the special wood rack that came with the quilts. The quilts have a loop sewn on the top that a wood pole can they push through the hang them. However, the Easter rack had Loops that were too small for the wood pole to go through. My wife had just thrown the quilt over the top of the rack so it was hanging by drooping over the top. At first I was thinking about just spinning up there now but as I looked at the top of it I saw the loops with sewn on. Since I am an upholsterer by trade and I have sewing machines out in my shop I realized that I could fix it. So I took it out to the shop and took the loops off the top and move them up enough so that the loops will be big enough for the wood pole to go through. Then I took it back in the house and hung up on the quilt hanger. My wife was very pleased that I had fixed her quilt, it meant a lot to her because it was connected to her dear friend.
When you have problems it is sometimes tempting to put them aside to deal with later.
Keep writing out your thoughts about to make this your own. What would that look like? Keep adding to it every day. The more you think about it and write about it the more real it will become to you. As you continue to think about it plans will begin to birth in your mind. Act out your plans. Some will succeed and some will fail. Even failure is OK (if don’t condemn yourself for your failures) because you will learn much from your failures. You will learn to do things differently.
What does keeping a journal do for you? It forces you to observe situations more carefully and then it forces you to think it through more deeply in order to write it out. During the writing of it you will have many more thoughts about the situations than you had at first.
I, , take you, , to be my (husband/wife). I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. I will love you and honour you all the days of my life.
In the United States, Catholic wedding vows may also take the following form:
I, , take you, , to be my lawfully wedded (husband/wife), to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part.
One ideal concept of being married is being in a union designed to bring out the best from each individual.
Not so much a place as is environment or concept that can be acted out and embraced
A Man’s Inner bent of Character
How he reacts or responds to challenges, hardships and life-events.
My wife frequently tells me that when she is around groups of women they are speaking badly about their husbands, telling how badly their husbands treat them.
Dr. Laura has said this over and over, “Choose wisely, treat kindly.” There is a boatload of wisdom in that very simple saying.
When a man and a woman come together to get married they each have their own thoughts and ideas about what that means and what they are hoping for,
To successfully be married you have to develop a whole new mindset. It doesn’t come around instantly but gradually develops over time as long as you are open to it. You may ask, what is this mindset that you are talking about? That’s a good question
Being married is like learning how to live all over again and again and again
One question that is useful to ask yourself is do you want to just get by any marriage or do you want to thrive in the exciting and wonderful?
It is very helpful to begin by thinking about what type of relationship you want to have with your woman. This does not mean that you get everything you want all the time and she has to always bend to your will. That’s unrealistic and will not bring you a happy marriage.
Instead, that refers to developing a picture of what you want your marriage to be. And to be blunt, the first image that may pop up may go back to some of your preconceived notions of marriage that you may have picked up from your parents and other sources along the way. Put all that aside.
Perhaps, instead of my saying “developing a picture”, which implies that the picture and structure is already there (and in a way it is), it is my like “building a structure”. It can be compared to building a house. You first contact an architect to help you with the design and planning. While there are some basic building procedures that MUST be followed, a good architect will not tell you what your house must be, but rather he will work with you to design a plan that uniquely fits you and your family. Once the plan is down, then the building of the house can proceed.
From a position and mentality of strength
Putting on her music to play rather than your own.
It means not only changing your mind to … but also to change the way that you think about her and what she wants from you.
Some legalist religious circle view have “negative emotions” (i.e. sadness, scared, fearful, unsafe, anger, etc) as being sinful. The term “fragile has been used by some …. as kind of an umbrella term the covers all those emotions without really using those specific “sinful” terms. So, if one of those persons is feeling sad or scared then she might say that she is “feeling fragile”.
The important thing to remember here is that she feel any one or a multiple of these emotions and the only way she has learned to express it is to say that is feeling fragile. She may need a lot of emotional support.
Don’t treat her like she’s your property. She doesn’t belong to you.
Don’t be jealous of anything that she does or of anyone to whom she talks.
The treasure box is not filled directly by you trying to feel it. Rather it is filled gradually over a period of time As you act compassionately kindly lovingly being fully trustworthy to your wife.
The treasure trove contains the greatest prize that you can ever win. It is your woman’s heart and soul, and all that she is or will ever become.
Mature men realize how immature they still are and work to fix their immaturity. Immature men just get angry that someone calls them immature. That anger is an indicator of how immature they truly are.
One huge problem with marriage relationships is that many men are so immature and self-centered. They are focused on what they think they should be getting from their wives. How much thought do they give to how they can better love and support their wives? How much thought do they give to how they can help make the lives of their wives richer and more meaningful. How much time do they spend helping around the house and helping with the children?
When Your Wife is Angry or Withdrawn
Don’t ask her if she loves you
Don’t ask her is she still wants to stay married to you. Those questions are just meant to satisfy your needs. They do nothing for her.
If she is repulsed when you say that you love her, stop saying it. It obviously is causing her pain to hear you say it. What she needs is for you to show her that you love her by your actions, not your words. Treat her gently, kindly, and tenderly no matter how she treating you.
Stop trying to defend yourself. Instead, listen to what she is saying. Even in her yelling and screaming, gently and attentively listen to her.
Spend Time With Your Wife Doing the things that she wants to do
Do not be secretive, but share with your wife what you are thinking, feeling, and doing. If you think that is none of your wife’s business then you should not be married.
Be willing to listen to your wife as much as she wants to talk. You will only begin to understand your wife as you take time to genuinely listen to her with an open heart.
Whenever you have a decision to make you need to have the mindset that your wife is more important than the results of any decision.
Never try to manipulate your wife about anything. If for any reason you try to tell her have truths or try to force or manipulate her into agreeing with you, then that is a step towards the end of your marriage.
Serve Your Wife with no expectations
One thing that I’ve learned that in order to meet the needs of my wife I serve her and ….. with no expectations of reciprocation, of being paid back. And even as I say that, my wife goes far beyond what I could ever expect of her. She does what comes naturally from within her. In our relationship, we don’t try to control each other and we
Through my everyday actions in many and countless ways I show my love for and devotion to my wife.
Even if you married a selfish wife, serve her anyway, but serve her in a healthy way from a place of strength within you.
What do I mean by serving?
Willingly help your wife around the house, doing dishes, mopping floors, doing laundry, cooking, etc. If you don’t know how, do it anyway, have your wife teach you.
Always tell the truth, at the very least, don’t tell a lie.
Don’t do anything that you feel that your woman would not approve.
In all that you do, put your woman first.
Communicate with her continually. Tell her what you are thinking, feeling, and doing. Nothing is too trivial to tell her. For instance, when my wife are laying in the bedroom before we get up, I may say to her, “I’m goin to the kitchen to put the dishes away (from the dishwasher.)
Use “I statements”.
Keep your eyes in your head. Don’t be looking at other women, don’t be checking them out, don’t imagine you being with any of them, don’t be comparing them to your woman.
Well, I put a large part of the responsibility for the quality of the marriage/relationship on the husbands. Men are the initiators and the woman are the responders.
Becoming a better husband is not about changing one thing that you are doing so that you are doing it better. NO, instead, it is about setting yourself on a path and a mindset of continually looking how to improve how you are treating your wife and fulfilling your responsibilities. If you ever get to the point where you think that you have “finally arrived”, then you need to slap yourself in the face and say, “Wake up”. Once you think you have arrived that is another way of thinking that you no longer need to improve.
When you first start to become aware of this and start learning it you will make lots of mistakes. You will misunderstand. You would do the wrong thing. That is all normal oh, it’s a normal part of learning. The important part is for you to watch what you doing and not get into self condemnation or blame. Blame will only shut you down and get your mind focused on the wrong thing. Instead keep trying, keep learning from your mistakes to do better. Eventually you will begin to get it.
You aren’t the perfect man and you didn’t marry the perfect woman. But there are specific things that you can do for her and there are specific ways that you can act that will mean the world to her. Doing those things will strengthen your marriage and show your wife in meaningful ways that you do love her. What are those things? They are different for each woman. It is your job to discreetly watch her and learn. Watch how she responds to you in all situations. Especially watch her face, and also her body language. Again, it is your job to learn what all of that means.
Here is an important point that you must never loose sight of. You don’t own your husband. He can do anything that he wants and go anywhere that he wants and there is nothing that you can do about it. He is his own free person. You can only hold onto him with an open hand.
(Now, as I say this, this also applies to you.)
Some women think that they can make their husband act differently by grumbling and being angry at their husbands. Here is the thing. Do you think that a husband, any husband, looks forward to coming home to an angry wife or a wife that is going to continually scold him?
Remember, whatever you water is what you will get. What do I mean by that? If you are constantly complaining about him be untrustworthy and lying to you, then you will get more of that. That is what you are watering.
Do you want him to be honorable, loving and caring, etc. Then, besides acting that way yourself, give him genuine praise for everything that he does right. What you water is what you will get more of.
Do you want him to want to come home? Then make it delightful for him to come home. Meet him at the door with a genuine smile and a warm embrace.
If you treat him…. then there is no power on earth and no other woman who can take him from you.
Do you want your husband to be eager to come home at night.
Then make yourself over into the type of woman that your husband will be eager to get home to at night. You might say, “Why should I put all that work and effort? My husband needs to love me as I am!” If you really think that way, then that shows that you are self-absorbed and only think of yourself. So the question becomes, “Why would your husband want to come home to you?” Really think about that.
Things are never so hopeless that you can’t change your life. You can stop and change your life at any time. But there are some things that you need to understand. Most of the time the reason that you are in the situation is because of the choices that you made and the attitudes that you brought into your situation.
Yes, you can change your attitudes and your behaviors. But, you can’t erase the consequences that you caused. But you can change your attitude as you live through your consequences. For instance, if you have treated your wife so badly that she is divorcing you there may be nothing that you can do to stop the divorce. However, you can change your angry immature attitude (that constantly blames other people for the problems that you caused). You can realize that you brought all of this upon yourself and then work towards making changes in yourself so that you never cause something like this to happen again.
I’ve been part of various men’s groups. One common theme is to blame the wife. That is blame-shifting and it doesn’t allow you to see and examine your own failing in the relationship. I have no interest in making you feel guilty. In fact, I urge you to put aside any feelings of guilt, shame, or anger that you may have. For this part we need your clear-thinking mind so that you can fairly access what happened and what part you played.
If you say that you are married to a bad woman, I ask you why you chose a bad woman to marry.
If you say that you didn’t know that she was bad when you married her, then I ask you, why did you marry someone whom you did not know?
Did you marry a good woman who turned bad? Or was she bad from the start and you didn’t see it? If she was bad from the start and you didn’t see it, then why did you marry someone that you didn’t really know?
If she was a good woman at the start, then what was your part in contributing her to turn bad?
What do you mean by “bad”?
Let us face it. You really screwed up your relationship with you wife so much that she no longer wants to be your wife. Accept that fact and seal with it.
As you look at the reality of the situation take on the mentality of a reporter. In accessing the situation you just want to look at the facts without any judgment or emotion, which only serve to cloud your thinking.
Get rid of blame from your language. Don’t blame yourself and don’t blame your wife (or ex-wife). Don’t Blame her for anything, rather, take full responsibility for your own behavior and actions.
Blame is often used as an excuse not to fix the problems.
You are in your present situation because of your lack of knowledge, your mistakes, and your inappropriate behavior. There is no blame here and I mean you no disrespect. However, if you don’t recognize and admit your responsibility for your current situation, then you are likely to run away from it and land in the same situation all over again with another woman. You cannot run away from yourself, you can’t run away from the consequences of your own behavior. It will follow you wherever you go, unless you make some drastic changes in how you think and in how you treat your woman. That holds true whether you are with this woman or with the 5th woman from now.
When a man gets married the sex is great! Wham, bam! Thank you ma’am! Oh, that felt so good!
Does this man even consider that his wife has sexual needs and intimacy needs?
What do I mean by safe?
What makes your woman feel unsafe?
When your woman feels unsafe
If your woman feels unsafe with you she is not going to tell you. That would make her feel too vulnerable and unsafe.
Instead she will keep you emotionally at a distance. She will not let you into the privacy (sanctom) of her true inner self, she will not be vulnerable with you. She won’t tell what she is really thinking and feeling.
What does she need to feel safe?
When you are the cause of your wife’s unsafe feelings she is not going to tell that she is feeling unsafe. Your Woman needs to feel safe
Stop asking for sex, just stop it. If you wife does not want to have sex with you right now she may not feel safe with you, or her vagina may be hurting, or
What is causing the problem(s)?
When there are marital problems it is very easy to put the blame on the other person. But are they fully and totally to blame for all the problems? Are you totally free from all fault?
Leaving a husband might seem to be a quick and easy answer to getting rid of “the problem” (your husband).
One thing that keeps you trapped in the situation is the perception you have of your husband, regardless of who he really is. If you see your husband in a negative light, he can do nothing right. No matter what he does you will from a negative point of view. Then he will realize that he can do nothing to please you and he would just give up trying. And so your negative view of him has become a self-fulfilling prophecy., if you want this to change and to have a at least a hope of your husband changing then you need to put the responsibility where belongs, on yourself. Then, once you take full responsibility for your own actions you ready to make changes. You ready to change how you think about him and how you treat him.
At the time when you were dating him was he acting very nice? What’s he treating you kindly and being attentive to you? Then after you got married did all of that change? How quickly did it change quick? Did it change right away? Did you find out that he was just pretending to be nice and then after you got married he went back to his regular self? Then my question for you would be, why did you not date him long enough and get to know his family and friends well before you got married so that you would really know who he is? You see, that part is on you.
If you really want to be honest and truthful, you are probably have to admit that during your dating you will not acting like you will self either. You will probably acting acting nice as well oh, so you can’t put all the blame on him.
Could it be that you were acting like a very special wonderful girl to him and that is who he fell in love with and married? Could it be that after you married him you let down your nice mask and just acted like your normal self, which could be crabby at times and mean to him at times? Could it be that as you were treating him badly that he gradually lost his affection for you and treated you badly back? If you want things to change you had to be really honest with yourself. Could it be that if you gave him back that sweet wonderful girl that he married that you might get back that wonderful guy you married?
You also have to realize that in order for things to change somebody has to make the first move and keep making it over and over again. I don’t have him in front of me, I have you in front of me, so I am challenging you to begin the process of change. It is only natural that when you first start he will become suspicious and not believe you. But don’t let that stop you. Irregardless of how he acts you need to make these changes permanent in you, not conditional upon how he acts.
Until or unless you come to the place where you realize and understand will you have been untrustworthy and unfaithful to him in your attitude and your behavior you will not be able to make changes that you need.
Now, while you are thinking about that ask yourself this question. Do you trust him enough to go all in on this? Do you trust yourself enough to go all in on this? Now turn that around. Are you trustworthy enough for him to go all in on this? He may not be ready yet, but are you ready? The only one that you have control over is yourself. So another question you can ask you is self is this, are you happy with the situation as it is now?
If your wife is feeling fragile, she needs your support. You might ask, how are you supposed to support her? What should you do. This is greatly determined by whether or not she feels safe with you.
Don’t just listen to her words. Listen and try to discern the meaning behind her words.
We all need someone to talk to me sometimes. If you really want to that you’re married your head try to become one of your wife’s sounding boards. What I mean by that is to just listen to her, allow her to talk without you trying to give her the answers. Feel free to ask a questions that help with the think things out more clearly. But don’t do anything to try to show her that you know all the answers. Helpful to figure them out by yourself using her own brain.
When your wife is angry at you and just wants to yell and scream, put yourself in pause. She is angry for a reason, and most likely you may be the cause of her anger. Put aside your rising anger and just CALMLY listen to her with open ears. Let her have her full say. You’re a man, you can take it. When she is finished then calmly summarize what she said back to her. This will do several things. It will show her that you were listening and it will open you up to hear what she said.
On cold and frosty mornings when her car’s windows are frosted, I go out and start her car for her. I also scrape the frost off the car’s windows.
One common thread of some men is that they have the idea is that they are the head of the household, which also means that the wife is subordinate, or even subservient, to them. After all, isn’t the husband the king of his castle? After a long day at work doesn’t he have the right to go sit down and watch TV or play video games to unwind? Shouldn’t the wife get home early enough from her job so that she can cook dinner and clean the house before he gets home? Shouldn’t she bring him his dinner while he watches TV.
Let’s say that your wife is the Queen of her Castle. She works from 8 to 5 as an executive at her firm. She needs to leave for work at 7:30 am. So you need to get up at 6:00 am so that you can put the dishes away out of the dishwasher, take care of the kids, fold the laundry and put it away, cook breakfast. When everyone is finished eating you need to wash the dishes and put them in the dishwasher, clear off, and wash the kitchen table and the stove.
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Before you go to bed at night you need to move the clothes from the washing machine into the dryer, put a new load of laundry in the washing machine, wash the dishes and the pots and pans and put them all in the dishwasher.
Putting the blame on someone else only serves as an attempt to remove oneself from having any responsibility for the problems.
Over the years I have seen a lot of men blaming their wives for lack of intimacy, lack of sex, and lack of relationship.
Whenever I’m in a men’s group I constantly hear men saying how badly they are treated by their women. They things like, “My wife is a b*#tch”, “She treats me badly.”, “My wife doesn’t want to work on our marriage anymore.” I often wonder what the real story is behind those type of comments. There is obviously more to the story than just the husband’s point of view. What would the wife’s story be?
Let’s examine how you got here. Did you date your husband for at least 1 1/2 to 2 years before getting married. Do you spend time getting to know his family and friends?