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  • Questions

    Morning

    • I am grateful for
    • What would make today great?
    • Daily Affirmation - What do you want out of life?

    Evening

    • Three amazing things that happened today
    • How could I have made today better
  • January 2016

  • December 2015

  • January 26

  • January 22

  • January 20

  • January 19

  • January 8

  • January 7

  • January 6

  • December 22

  • December 21

  • Brian thinks he has Attention Deficit Disorder. He is trying to get diagnosed and get a prescription late in the game.

    There’s about a week and a half left.

    Hopefully even if he doesn’t get it, he’ll be able to finish in time to stay home in six months. He has said he would do it but I don’t think he thinks he can do it.

    This is stressing me out.

  • What am I grateful for?

    • Financial Security
    • Delicious Beef Lentil Stew
    • The internet

    What would make today great?

    It’s a Friday. I’ve already finished week 2 of my twelve week plan. I’m a little tired and sweaty.

    A friday game night might be fun. Doing something interactive with Brian. Getting one load of laundry in the wash and getting one folded to kick off the weekend. Going to bed with clean sheets.

    What do I want out of life?

    Feeling calm and happy. Outdoor exploring.

  • What am I grateful for?

    • Getting the old mattress out of the bedroom
    • Brian cleaning the snow off my car and starting it for me
    • My insanely cute cat

    What would make today great?

    This is always such a hard question. Today would be great if I could have a mid day nap and snack on salami in the evening. This is not the answer we’re looking for though.

  • Met with Rosemary. We talked about procrastination.

    Things to think about.
    Internal Motivation vs. External Motivation
    Perfectionism
    Negative reinforcement vs. Positive Reinforcement

    Just being. Experiencing without thinking about the external.

    Do you need more self esteem to have internal motivation?

  • What am I grateful for?

    • A nice work environment
    • warm clothes
    • hot coffee

    What would make today great?

    • Being relaxed and focused. I’l listen to noisli and try to do pomodoros to do this.
    • Checking something off “the list”
    • making some forward progress with the laundry situation when I get home

    What do I want out of life?

    • Time outdoors in nature
    • Creativity
    • Simplicity
  • Journal - Thoughts for Rosemary.

    The striving thing. I’m always striving to figure out how to fix myself. I’m always worrying about whether or not I’m doing the right thing even when it doesn’t matter.

    I feel like there’s not enough time but I waste all kinds of time.

    Brian thinks I shouldn’t feel like doing nothing is wasting time.

    No straight thoughts today. I’m deep into circular thinking.

  • Journal

    Things are ok. I almost feel like yesterday was wasted. My anxiety is jacking up a little.

    My mom seems like an asshole sometimes.

    I’m worrying about when to take vacation to see Brian. I really want to do one of these hiking vacations. The alps would be amazing but I don’t know if we’d both be up to it. I don’t know if it’s worth the extra travel time or if we’d be “up for it”. The Harz mountains are so close and I wanted to go there so badly last time.

    I don’t know how to fit it in to the my work schedule yet so I’m spending too much time worrying about that.

    I need to do better at work. I did ok at fighting the procrastination a couple of days last week but overall… not so great.

  • Amazing things that happened on January 29

    • I stayed pretty focused all day
    • I found a cool ultralight bug net that would work great for lean-to camping
    • Brian is going to stay an extra week

    How could I have made January 29 better?

    I could have done something fun and rewarding for part of the time I spent playing Pocket Mortys. And I could have done a load of laundry.

  • Journal

    Bummed out this morning. Didn’t sleep so great on the new mattress. Partly because it’s different, and partly I think my pillow is too flat now that the mattress is holding me up in the air.

    Last night I accidentally played the wrong episode of Making a Murderer, which we didn’t realize right away. Brian was kind of mad. He was all “oh that’s great. That’s why I’ve been working so hard to avoid spoilers. This is excellent.” blah blah blah.

    And I mean, I felt bad, but I have no idea what reaction he’s looking for. Apologies seem meaningless.

    Then at the end of the episode I thought I had stopped it and it started playing another. I had this mild moment of “god dammit. That’s not what I told it to do.” And brian started aggressively telling me to “relax. It’s not that big a deal.” over and over and doing that thing where he cuts me off and won’t listen to me. I thought I was being pretty relaxed and kept trying to say so in a relaxed way.

    I ended up saying I thought I was doing pretty good and just going to bed and turning on forensic files. It just felt like he was trying to pick a fight with me.

    On my way to work this morning I was thinking about all of this. and about my meeting with rosemary and trying to explain myself.

    I feel like I’m always striving to be a good person. Like there’s something specific I need to be or I’m a shitty person who isn’t worthy of existance.

    Like… what if I don’t strive so much and it turns out that I’m an asshole.

    I’m not sure “being myself” will result in anything that anyone will like as much as I can’t be someone else.

    I think this came out of me trying to explain that I’ve stopped valuing self expression and that’s kind of why I stopped doing art. I still like the process and the puzzles. I just don’t think I have anything special or new to say.

    Brian’s always trying to tell me to relax and not feel guilty about shit and blah blah blah but simultaneously, he gets really ticked off about minor mistakes. Anger is nothing to him, but it stays with me.

    I guess I am sensitive.

  • What am I grateful for?

    • an awesome cat
    • hundreds of free podcasts
    • the days growing longer

    What could make today great?

    • Finding a way to reset my mood and feel happy.
    • Breaking out of this yak shaving procrastination streak.
    • fighting ninjas

    What do you want out of life?

    Can I say that I have no fucking idea? I want to drink coffee in the morning outside on a porch and watch the steam rising off of it. I want simplicity. I want to paddle on emotional flat waters.

  • I am grateful for

    • The new YNAB tool being web based so it’s easier to update from work.
    • My new docking station is pretty sweet
    • I like my therapist

    What would make today great?

    Such a hard question as always… I would feel good about the day if I get my purchasing card form done and at least two other work items checked off the list. And if I can restart my 15 minute cleaning habit at home.

    What do I want out of life?

    Time outdoors. Creativity. fun times with friends and family.

  • Misc journal

    I’m frustrated that I’m not losing any weight. I need to counter this with something. Maybe some calorie tracking for a while and definitely restarting the running program. But I need to make a commitment.

    Yesterday Rosemary said I should write down a list of of “to do Options” for while Brian is gone. Not pressure myself to do them all but choose from it. She said feeling pressured might be a cause of my procrastination.

    I will walk at lunch today because that’s better than nothing and maybe I’ll calendar out my 10k program.

  • Next Day instead of Evening.

    3 amazing things that happened were:

    • Our new mattress came
    • Brian made a fancy dinner with steaks
    • I set up a running training plan

    How could yesterday have been better?

    • i could have used pomodoros to try to overcome the procrastination streak I’ve been struggling with lately.
    • I could have played the right episode of Making a Murderer
    • I could have done some goddamn laundry
  • I am grateful for my family.
    for the new mattress that we’re getting
    that brian trusts me

    What would make today great?
    Why is this question always so hard. I think today would be good if I could get through a few things that are stressing me out, the site redesign stuff mostly. Getting my work list done would be good. Not having the laundry piled up at home.

    What do I want out of life?
    A carefree, worryfree, life with adventure, creativity, fun and friends.

  • Misc Journal

    I have an appointment with Rosemary today. I probably spend way to much time trying to figure out what I should talk about. Probably because I don’t fully know what my goals are. What do I hope to get out of this.

    I think I hope to be more comfortable with myself and to be less anxious about stuff.

    But what has happened since I saw her last. Quite a bit.

    Christmas and all the gifts and shopping were stressful.

    The solstice party was great, though Brian worries about my dad’s judgement. Brian’s issues with my family came up a bunch (which is not to say they’re not my issues too). The hoarding tendencies, and the kitchen and cleaning habits in general. And their general craziness.

    We were talking about how the story of my mom hitting my car is this great encapsulation of my mom’s issues or our relationship.

    Our best friends came for the party and we had a really good time.

    The inheritance from Brian’s Grandma came in.

    Brian hasn’t booked his flight back yet but he’ll be leaving around the end of the month. I’m starting to try to plan things for while he’s gone.

    We talked about me visiting him. he suggested one option would be for me to come at the end and we could fly home together. I had been looking at some guided adventure travel sites… like hiking in the black forest or hiking from vienna to prague. It’s pricey. We talked about it. I don’t know if we’re up for doing it this time but we talked about trying it and going forward making sure we’re prioritizing these kinds of trips in our budget.

    I’m planning on making reservations at the JBL for Jodi, Jermey, whoever, and me to do some serious hiking.

    Jodi and I got Crampons for Christmas so we’re going to try climbing Cascade and Porter in the winter.

    Planning on visiting a good friend in North Carolina in the winter.

    Stress stuff: work. Jeanne. struggling with procrastination.

    Brian Barker’s death. Bad feelings, anger, guilt, and regret all bubbling up. My shitty friendship with Tonya. Didn’t go to the Funeral. Think that was probably the right decision. I asked myself why I wanted to go and sometimes I thougth I owed it to him but really I think I wanted someone there to tell me our story in a way that didn’t suck. Wonder if I should to the gift in his memory thing. Or reach out to one of his friends but then I ask myself, what am I looking for out of that anyway.

  • ‘’writing this on the 7th as usual’’

    amazing things

    • Got my docking station and it’s awesome
    • Cat was hilarious as always
    • Brian put “pinned” the sheet to the couch covering up the rips in the pleather

    How could I have made January 6 Better?

    I procrastinated pretty badly. I could have spent a little less time messing around instead of working.

  • Thankful for

    Brian taking on all the cooking.

    Brian being home.

    The long upcoming break after today.

  • What would make today great?

    It would be great if I could finish cleaning up minor tasks before break and make a serious dent in migrating the Rank and Tenure site so it can be out of the way when the new year starts.

  • What do I want out of life?
    I want to spend time with Brian and my family and my friends and have fun having adventures and being creative.

  • Misc Journal
    I don’t really know what to write about here this morning. It’s raining and dreary. My face itches. I’m feeling a little anxiety reflecting my interactions with people at the web advisory committee and then at the christmas party. Do people react to me the way I think they do? or am I reflecting some inner anxiety at myself.

    I’m still worried about Jeanne. Hoping she really wants this job. Often feeling like she’s pretty ambivalent about it and may add conflict rather than helping out.

    I need to drink more water. I need to start a exercise mission. I have gained a bunch of weight. I was back up at 180 this morning. If I don’t do something soon I will have lost all the ground I had gained. Somehow I have to make this work. I’m not drinking enough water. I’m not taking my vitamins. I’m not getting any exercise at all. Maybe the pebble will help. Who knows.

  • I am grateful for Brian who is out trying to do Christmas shopping, which I totally didn’t want to do.

  • What would make today great?
    If I have a productive day and get a bunch of little things checked off my list and can go home feeling like I’m going to start the new year in a good place.

  • What do I want out of life?
    I want to have a neat and organized household with less things to weigh me down so I can go out and “play” without feeling the burden of obligations.

  • Misc Journal
    I’m worried about spending too much time messing around at work. Feeling really unproductive. I’m worried that Jeanne is not working out. I’m not saying that I am always on task but there’s somethign off about playing facebook games all day and not hiding it. We need to use her skillset better. i don’t think she’s someone who’s going to do stuff on her own very much so somehow we have to find a way.

    Christmas is stressing me out a little bit.

    I’m stressed out about the pre-mortem outcomes. People have some expectations for the new site that aren’t really part of the plan. They’re just not. Do I even like my job? Sometimes I wonder if I’m cut out for anything at all.

    Brian is so productive sometimes that I feel like a useless lump. Not sure what I’m good for. I’m sure there’s something. Hopefully I’m less useless than my mom. I guess that’s something to aim for at least.

    Right now I am procrastinating by writing this journal… in the middle of the day. Which should be something done in the morning.

    also I’m really gaining weight. I need to make losing weight a priority again. I need to get back under 170 at the min. I’m almost back at 180. Not good.

  • Good things that happened

    *Doing this a day late because I never remember to do anything at night.

    Thankful for Brian working so hard to get the christmas shopping done.

    Thankful that Nikki had a wooden 6 pack holder left.

    Excited about my new pebble.

  • What could have gone better

    I wasn’t having fun at the christmas party. I was feeling like i don’t fit in with my own department. My feelings got hurt when dave shoved me out of the picture. I should have known I would feel that way and gone to find someone like Maryann and hung out with her.

{"cards":[{"_id":"60b1545991d0db4b55000047","treeId":"60b14f7691d0db4b55000041","seq":5653276,"position":0.5,"parentId":null,"content":"# Questions\n\n## Morning\n\n* I am grateful for\n* What would make today great?\n* Daily Affirmation - What do you want out of life?\n\n## Evening\n* Three amazing things that happened today\n* How could I have made today better"},{"_id":"61831578f5063f3b36000029","treeId":"60b14f7691d0db4b55000041","seq":5768718,"position":0.625,"parentId":null,"content":"# January 2016"},{"_id":"628daace92f160c4c4000072","treeId":"60b14f7691d0db4b55000041","seq":5978654,"position":0.0078125,"parentId":"61831578f5063f3b36000029","content":"## January 26"},{"_id":"628dab3f92f160c4c4000073","treeId":"60b14f7691d0db4b55000041","seq":5978733,"position":1,"parentId":"628daace92f160c4c4000072","content":"Brian thinks he has Attention Deficit Disorder. He is trying to get diagnosed and get a prescription late in the game.\n\nThere's about a week and a half left. \n\nHopefully even if he doesn't get it, he'll be able to finish in time to stay home in six months. He has said he would do it but I don't think he thinks he can do it. \n\nThis is stressing me out. "},{"_id":"625947788f01dc09a1000066","treeId":"60b14f7691d0db4b55000041","seq":5923669,"position":0.015625,"parentId":"61831578f5063f3b36000029","content":"## January 22"},{"_id":"625947c78f01dc09a1000067","treeId":"60b14f7691d0db4b55000041","seq":5923693,"position":1,"parentId":"625947788f01dc09a1000066","content":"What am I grateful for? \n\n* Financial Security\n* Delicious Beef Lentil Stew\n* The internet\n\nWhat would make today great? \n\nIt's a Friday. I've already finished week 2 of my twelve week plan. I'm a little tired and sweaty.\n\nA friday game night might be fun. Doing something interactive with Brian. Getting one load of laundry in the wash and getting one folded to kick off the weekend. Going to bed with clean sheets. \n\nWhat do I want out of life? \n\nFeeling calm and happy. Outdoor exploring. "},{"_id":"623bf6ee6ace95b10f00006a","treeId":"60b14f7691d0db4b55000041","seq":5901532,"position":0.03125,"parentId":"61831578f5063f3b36000029","content":"## January 20\n"},{"_id":"623c00866ace95b10f00006c","treeId":"60b14f7691d0db4b55000041","seq":5901625,"position":1,"parentId":"623bf6ee6ace95b10f00006a","content":"### What am I grateful for? \n\n* Getting the old mattress out of the bedroom\n* Brian cleaning the snow off my car and starting it for me\n* My insanely cute cat\n\n### What would make today great? \n\nThis is always such a hard question. Today would be great if I could have a mid day nap and snack on salami in the evening. This is not the answer we're looking for though. \n"},{"_id":"623e5e426ace95b10f0000c1","treeId":"60b14f7691d0db4b55000041","seq":5906038,"position":2,"parentId":"623bf6ee6ace95b10f00006a","content":"Met with Rosemary. We talked about procrastination. \n\nThings to think about. \nInternal Motivation vs. External Motivation\nPerfectionism\nNegative reinforcement vs. Positive Reinforcement\n\nJust being. Experiencing without thinking about the external. \n\nDo you need more self esteem to have internal motivation? "},{"_id":"622ed088feff986932000036","treeId":"60b14f7691d0db4b55000041","seq":5890898,"position":0.0625,"parentId":"61831578f5063f3b36000029","content":"## January 19"},{"_id":"622ed3b5feff986932000037","treeId":"60b14f7691d0db4b55000041","seq":5890904,"position":1,"parentId":"622ed088feff986932000036","content":"What am I grateful for? \n* A nice work environment\n* warm clothes\n* hot coffee\n\nWhat would make today great? \n* Being relaxed and focused. I'l listen to noisli and try to do pomodoros to do this. \n* Checking something off \"the list\" \n* making some forward progress with the laundry situation when I get home\n\nWhat do I want out of life? \n* Time outdoors in nature\n* Creativity\n* Simplicity"},{"_id":"623d07db6ace95b10f0000c0","treeId":"60b14f7691d0db4b55000041","seq":5902514,"position":1.5,"parentId":"622ed088feff986932000036","content":"Journal - Thoughts for Rosemary. \n\nThe striving thing. I'm always striving to figure out how to fix myself. I'm always worrying about whether or not I'm doing the right thing even when it doesn't matter. \n\nI feel like there's not enough time but I waste all kinds of time. \n\nBrian thinks I shouldn't feel like doing nothing is wasting time. \n\nNo straight thoughts today. I'm deep into circular thinking. "},{"_id":"622edc5cfeff986932000038","treeId":"60b14f7691d0db4b55000041","seq":5890925,"position":2,"parentId":"622ed088feff986932000036","content":"## Journal\nThings are ok. I almost feel like yesterday was wasted. My anxiety is jacking up a little. \n\nMy mom seems like an asshole sometimes. \n\nI'm worrying about when to take vacation to see Brian. I really want to do one of these hiking vacations. The alps would be amazing but I don't know if we'd both be up to it. I don't know if it's worth the extra travel time or if we'd be \"up for it\". The Harz mountains are so close and I wanted to go there so badly last time. \n\nI don't know how to fit it in to the my work schedule yet so I'm spending too much time worrying about that. \n\nI need to do better at work. I did ok at fighting the procrastination a couple of days last week but overall... not so great. \n"},{"_id":"623bf8666ace95b10f00006b","treeId":"60b14f7691d0db4b55000041","seq":5901566,"position":3,"parentId":"622ed088feff986932000036","content":"### Amazing things that happened on January 29\n\n* I stayed pretty focused all day\n* I found a cool ultralight bug net that would work great for lean-to camping\n* Brian is going to stay an extra week\n\n### How could I have made January 29 better?\nI could have done something fun and rewarding for part of the time I spent playing Pocket Mortys. And I could have done a load of laundry. "},{"_id":"619d98ed767d539b26000052","treeId":"60b14f7691d0db4b55000041","seq":5787583,"position":0.125,"parentId":"61831578f5063f3b36000029","content":"## January 8"},{"_id":"619d9932767d539b26000053","treeId":"60b14f7691d0db4b55000041","seq":5787624,"position":1,"parentId":"619d98ed767d539b26000052","content":"### Journal\n\nBummed out this morning. Didn't sleep so great on the new mattress. Partly because it's different, and partly I think my pillow is too flat now that the mattress is holding me up in the air. \n\nLast night I accidentally played the wrong episode of Making a Murderer, which we didn't realize right away. Brian was kind of mad. He was all \"oh that's great. That's why I've been working so hard to avoid spoilers. This is excellent.\" blah blah blah. \n\nAnd I mean, I felt bad, but I have no idea what reaction he's looking for. Apologies seem meaningless. \n\nThen at the end of the episode I thought I had stopped it and it started playing another. I had this mild moment of \"god dammit. That's not what I told it to do.\" And brian started aggressively telling me to \"relax. It's not that big a deal.\" over and over and doing that thing where he cuts me off and won't listen to me. I thought I was being pretty relaxed and kept trying to say so in a relaxed way. \n\nI ended up saying I thought I was doing pretty good and just going to bed and turning on forensic files. It just felt like he was trying to pick a fight with me. \n\nOn my way to work this morning I was thinking about all of this. and about my meeting with rosemary and trying to explain myself.\n\nI feel like I'm always striving to be a good person. Like there's something specific I need to be or I'm a shitty person who isn't worthy of existance. \n\nLike... what if I don't strive so much and it turns out that I'm an asshole. \n\nI'm not sure \"being myself\" will result in anything that anyone will like as much as I can't be someone else. \n\nI think this came out of me trying to explain that I've stopped valuing self expression and that's kind of why I stopped doing art. I still like the process and the puzzles. I just don't think I have anything special or new to say. \n\nBrian's always trying to tell me to relax and not feel guilty about shit and blah blah blah but simultaneously, he gets really ticked off about minor mistakes. Anger is nothing to him, but it stays with me. \n\nI guess I am sensitive. "},{"_id":"619dc37c767d539b26000055","treeId":"60b14f7691d0db4b55000041","seq":5787716,"position":2,"parentId":"619d98ed767d539b26000052","content":"### What am I grateful for? \n\n* an awesome cat\n* hundreds of free podcasts\n* the days growing longer\n\n### What could make today great? \n\n* Finding a way to reset my mood and feel happy. \n* Breaking out of this yak shaving procrastination streak. \n* fighting ninjas\n\n### What do you want out of life? \n\nCan I say that I have no fucking idea? I want to drink coffee in the morning outside on a porch and watch the steam rising off of it. I want simplicity. I want to paddle on emotional flat waters."},{"_id":"6190cebd763e4de05800002d","treeId":"60b14f7691d0db4b55000041","seq":5778583,"position":0.25,"parentId":"61831578f5063f3b36000029","content":"## January 7\n"},{"_id":"61910108763e4de05800002f","treeId":"60b14f7691d0db4b55000041","seq":5778598,"position":1,"parentId":"6190cebd763e4de05800002d","content":"### I am grateful for\n* The new YNAB tool being web based so it's easier to update from work.\n* My new docking station is pretty sweet\n* I like my therapist\n\n### What would make today great? \nSuch a hard question as always... I would feel good about the day if I get my purchasing card form done and at least two other work items checked off the list. And if I can restart my 15 minute cleaning habit at home. \n\n### What do I want out of life? \nTime outdoors. Creativity. fun times with friends and family. \n"},{"_id":"61910a509b2c3ca379000030","treeId":"60b14f7691d0db4b55000041","seq":5778605,"position":2,"parentId":"6190cebd763e4de05800002d","content":"## Misc journal\n\nI'm frustrated that I'm not losing any weight. I need to counter this with something. Maybe some calorie tracking for a while and definitely restarting the running program. But I need to make a commitment. \n\nYesterday Rosemary said I should write down a list of of \"to do Options\" for while Brian is gone. Not pressure myself to do them all but choose from it. She said feeling pressured might be a cause of my procrastination. \n\nI will walk at lunch today because that's better than nothing and maybe I'll calendar out my 10k program.\n"},{"_id":"619db7a3767d539b26000054","treeId":"60b14f7691d0db4b55000041","seq":5787640,"position":3,"parentId":"6190cebd763e4de05800002d","content":"### Next Day instead of Evening. \n\n3 amazing things that happened were:\n\n* Our new mattress came\n* Brian made a fancy dinner with steaks\n* I set up a running training plan\n\nHow could yesterday have been better?\n* i could have used pomodoros to try to overcome the procrastination streak I've been struggling with lately. \n* I could have played the right episode of Making a Murderer\n* I could have done some goddamn laundry"},{"_id":"61831ed1f5063f3b3600002b","treeId":"60b14f7691d0db4b55000041","seq":5768723,"position":0.5,"parentId":"61831578f5063f3b36000029","content":"## January 6\n"},{"_id":"6183160af5063f3b3600002a","treeId":"60b14f7691d0db4b55000041","seq":5768724,"position":1,"parentId":"61831ed1f5063f3b3600002b","content":"I am grateful for my family. \nfor the new mattress that we're getting\nthat brian trusts me\n\nWhat would make today great? \nWhy is this question always so hard. I think today would be good if I could get through a few things that are stressing me out, the site redesign stuff mostly. Getting my work list done would be good. Not having the laundry piled up at home. \n\nWhat do I want out of life? \nA carefree, worryfree, life with adventure, creativity, fun and friends. "},{"_id":"6183f7a993bc2efb1f00002c","treeId":"60b14f7691d0db4b55000041","seq":5769456,"position":2,"parentId":"61831ed1f5063f3b3600002b","content":"## Misc Journal\n\nI have an appointment with Rosemary today. I probably spend way to much time trying to figure out what I should talk about. Probably because I don't fully know what my goals are. What do I hope to get out of this. \n\nI think I hope to be more comfortable with myself and to be less anxious about stuff. \n\nBut what has happened since I saw her last. Quite a bit. \n\nChristmas and all the gifts and shopping were stressful. \n\nThe solstice party was great, though Brian worries about my dad's judgement. Brian's issues with my family came up a bunch (which is not to say they're not my issues too). The hoarding tendencies, and the kitchen and cleaning habits in general. And their general craziness. \n\nWe were talking about how the story of my mom hitting my car is this great encapsulation of my mom's issues or our relationship. \n\nOur best friends came for the party and we had a really good time. \n\nThe inheritance from Brian's Grandma came in.\n\nBrian hasn't booked his flight back yet but he'll be leaving around the end of the month. I'm starting to try to plan things for while he's gone. \n\nWe talked about me visiting him. he suggested one option would be for me to come at the end and we could fly home together. I had been looking at some guided adventure travel sites... like hiking in the black forest or hiking from vienna to prague. It's pricey. We talked about it. I don't know if we're up for doing it this time but we talked about trying it and going forward making sure we're prioritizing these kinds of trips in our budget. \n\nI'm planning on making reservations at the JBL for Jodi, Jermey, whoever, and me to do some serious hiking. \n\nJodi and I got Crampons for Christmas so we're going to try climbing Cascade and Porter in the winter. \n\nPlanning on visiting a good friend in North Carolina in the winter. \n\nStress stuff: work. Jeanne. struggling with procrastination. \n\nBrian Barker's death. Bad feelings, anger, guilt, and regret all bubbling up. My shitty friendship with Tonya. Didn't go to the Funeral. Think that was probably the right decision. I asked myself why I wanted to go and sometimes I thougth I owed it to him but really I think I wanted someone there to tell me our story in a way that didn't suck. Wonder if I should to the gift in his memory thing. Or reach out to one of his friends but then I ask myself, what am I looking for out of that anyway. "},{"_id":"6190f8cb763e4de05800002e","treeId":"60b14f7691d0db4b55000041","seq":5778586,"position":3,"parentId":"61831ed1f5063f3b3600002b","content":"''writing this on the 7th as usual''\n\n### amazing things\n* Got my docking station and it's awesome\n* Cat was hilarious as always\n* Brian put \"pinned\" the sheet to the couch covering up the rips in the pleather\n\n### How could I have made January 6 Better? \n\nI procrastinated pretty badly. I could have spent a little less time messing around instead of working. "},{"_id":"60bd97c8a3ff341d13000028","treeId":"60b14f7691d0db4b55000041","seq":5660763,"position":0.75,"parentId":null,"content":"# December 2015"},{"_id":"60bd8087a3ff341d13000023","treeId":"60b14f7691d0db4b55000041","seq":5769244,"position":0.5,"parentId":"60bd97c8a3ff341d13000028","content":"## December 22"},{"_id":"60bd80d2a3ff341d13000024","treeId":"60b14f7691d0db4b55000041","seq":5660747,"position":1,"parentId":"60bd8087a3ff341d13000023","content":"** Thankful for**\n\nBrian taking on all the cooking. \n\nBrian being home. \n\nThe long upcoming break after today."},{"_id":"60bd8332a3ff341d13000025","treeId":"60b14f7691d0db4b55000041","seq":5660749,"position":2,"parentId":"60bd8087a3ff341d13000023","content":"** What would make today great? **\n\nIt would be great if I could finish cleaning up minor tasks before break and make a serious dent in migrating the Rank and Tenure site so it can be out of the way when the new year starts."},{"_id":"60bd8915a3ff341d13000026","treeId":"60b14f7691d0db4b55000041","seq":5660750,"position":3,"parentId":"60bd8087a3ff341d13000023","content":"** What do I want out of life? **\nI want to spend time with Brian and my family and my friends and have fun having adventures and being creative. "},{"_id":"60bd8c92a3ff341d13000027","treeId":"60b14f7691d0db4b55000041","seq":5660760,"position":4,"parentId":"60bd8087a3ff341d13000023","content":"** Misc Journal **\nI don't really know what to write about here this morning. It's raining and dreary. My face itches. I'm feeling a little anxiety reflecting my interactions with people at the web advisory committee and then at the christmas party. Do people react to me the way I think they do? or am I reflecting some inner anxiety at myself. \n\nI'm still worried about Jeanne. Hoping she really wants this job. Often feeling like she's pretty ambivalent about it and may add conflict rather than helping out. \n\nI need to drink more water. I need to start a exercise mission. I have gained a bunch of weight. I was back up at 180 this morning. If I don't do something soon I will have lost all the ground I had gained. Somehow I have to make this work. I'm not drinking enough water. I'm not taking my vitamins. I'm not getting any exercise at all. Maybe the pebble will help. Who knows. "},{"_id":"60b1506f91d0db4b55000044","treeId":"60b14f7691d0db4b55000041","seq":5660765,"position":1,"parentId":"60bd97c8a3ff341d13000028","content":"## December 21\n"},{"_id":"60b1529191d0db4b55000046","treeId":"60b14f7691d0db4b55000041","seq":5653209,"position":0.5,"parentId":"60b1506f91d0db4b55000044","content":"I am grateful for Brian who is out trying to do Christmas shopping, which I totally didn't want to do."},{"_id":"60b15a2491d0db4b55000048","treeId":"60b14f7691d0db4b55000041","seq":5653213,"position":0.75,"parentId":"60b1506f91d0db4b55000044","content":"**What would make today great?**\nIf I have a productive day and get a bunch of little things checked off my list and can go home feeling like I'm going to start the new year in a good place."},{"_id":"60b15dea91d0db4b55000049","treeId":"60b14f7691d0db4b55000041","seq":5653226,"position":0.875,"parentId":"60b1506f91d0db4b55000044","content":"**What do I want out of life?**\nI want to have a neat and organized household with less things to weigh me down so I can go out and \"play\" without feeling the burden of obligations. "},{"_id":"60b1516191d0db4b55000045","treeId":"60b14f7691d0db4b55000041","seq":5653300,"position":1,"parentId":"60b1506f91d0db4b55000044","content":"**Misc Journal**\nI'm worried about spending too much time messing around at work. Feeling really unproductive. I'm worried that Jeanne is not working out. I'm not saying that I am always on task but there's somethign off about playing facebook games all day and not hiding it. We need to use her skillset better. i don't think she's someone who's going to do stuff on her own very much so somehow we have to find a way. \n\nChristmas is stressing me out a little bit.\n\nI'm stressed out about the pre-mortem outcomes. People have some expectations for the new site that aren't really part of the plan. They're just not. Do I even like my job? Sometimes I wonder if I'm cut out for anything at all. \n\nBrian is so productive sometimes that I feel like a useless lump. Not sure what I'm good for. I'm sure there's something. Hopefully I'm less useless than my mom. I guess that's something to aim for at least. \n\nRight now I am procrastinating by writing this journal... in the middle of the day. Which should be something done in the morning. \n\nalso I'm really gaining weight. I need to make losing weight a priority again. I need to get back under 170 at the min. I'm almost back at 180. Not good. \n\n\n"},{"_id":"60bd780ea3ff341d13000021","treeId":"60b14f7691d0db4b55000041","seq":5660744,"position":2,"parentId":"60b1506f91d0db4b55000044","content":"**Good things that happened**\n\n***Doing this a day late because I never remember to do anything at night. \n\nThankful for Brian working so hard to get the christmas shopping done. \n\nThankful that Nikki had a wooden 6 pack holder left. \n\nExcited about my new pebble. \n"},{"_id":"60bd7c93a3ff341d13000022","treeId":"60b14f7691d0db4b55000041","seq":5660741,"position":3,"parentId":"60b1506f91d0db4b55000044","content":"** What could have gone better **\n\nI wasn't having fun at the christmas party. I was feeling like i don't fit in with my own department. My feelings got hurt when dave shoved me out of the picture. I should have known I would feel that way and gone to find someone like Maryann and hung out with her. "}],"tree":{"_id":"60b14f7691d0db4b55000041","name":"Five Minute Journal","publicUrl":"five-minute-journal"}}