the Internet

Letter from the Editor

Dear Reader,

You hold in your hands an almost unprecedented work of intellectual desperation, an optimistically anachronistic sheathe of bound finitudes: The New New England Journal of Total American Bullshit.

This Journal has a finite destiny: to end the conversation on America. By the publication of our final issue, that purpose will be fulfilled; there will no longer be debate, politics, or ideological polarities. The Americas will fall into a rhetorical rendition of John Cage’s inimitable 4’ 33”: a pure, intentional silence.

This wish is absurdly naive, as you have undoubtedly concluded, superlative reader. It’s inconceivable that paper copy might comprise material to resonate the continent in its cerebral entirety. Rest assured, discerning reader, we’re not unaware of our position. Rather, we have shouldered this Sisyphean mantle with two truths in mind: firstly that “you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” and secondly that when “[shooting] for the moon[,] [e]ven if you miss, you’ll land among the stars.”

In our case, N. V. Peale’s stars are the not-to-be-scoffed-at winnowing of truly contentious and revolutionary subjects from the chafe of tired rhetoric; that topic which remains unaddressed by the Journal shall glitter therefore ever brighter as a vein of enigma.

In this, our inaugural issue, we thresh out the flibbertigibbet substrate of contemporary and succeeding humanity: the Internet. Granted to us by our forbearers a half-century before this publication, the invisible protocol known colloquially as the web has been both meticulously maintained by massive, inertial institutions and haphazardly augmented by cavalier commercial enterprises, all the while trapping, spilling, and laying bare vast pools of a seductive new substance: digital media.

“Information wants to be free,” Stewart Brand told the Woz — in the same breath with which he emitted the notion that “information wants to be expensive.”

Which is it, illustrious reader? In this issue, we elucidate the principles of America’s pursuit of shared information; nobly, and ignobly.

If we have left an anthropological stone unturned vis-à-vis this pursuit, do not hesitate to write and harangue me, personally.


Gavin Nathaniel Morgan, Editor

Illustrations

Twee Tub Girl

Twee Lemon Party

Twee Goatse

Twee Pain Olympics

Twee Mr. Hands

Twee Two Girls, One Cup

Issuances from the Void

Online Dating

Steve Dean

the Comments Section

Surveillance

Emily Crottau

Hacking

Cobalt

Alex Kaws

Cryptocurrency

Joel Dietz

Porn

Pay a camgirl to answer questions.

Elle Allen

the Internet Archive

Field Trip!

Social Networks

MySpace

Facebook

“How Facebook broadcasts your comments to everyone you know now. It used to be someone posts something dumb and then you could be like, “Hmmm, I don’t mind if I come across as a confrontational douchebag to our three mutual friends.” But now if you want to call out a dumb opinion article someone shared, everyone you’ve ever met in your life will just be like, “Wow, didn’t know Sean felt so strongly about how the controversial spider-woman comic book cover is a non-issue.” It mutes any expression/discussion of unconventional opinion unless you want to alienate yourself from a portion of your friends. All that being said, I also think the fact that FB has become just an opinion feed rather than a social network bullshit in general.

Sup, fb fam.” — Sean Oxford

Xanga

Live Journal

Tumblr

Reddit

Jacob Cole

the Digital Reading Experience

Piracy

Spoilers

Houston

eCelebs

Let’s Play

Twitch

Youtube Stars

Alton finds this uninteresting

Information Wants to Be Free

I’m Entitled to Own Any Content

“If it’s on the internet, it should be (is) free.”

eBay Sellers

Trolling

Organized Trolling & Harassment

Gamergate (organized and pervasive harassment of women across a large network of volunteers (death threats, rape threats, swatting, doxxing), for example.)

Shitposting

Matt Vana

Anonymity

the Gig Economy

Mechanical Turk

Fiverr

Lyft/Uber

Taskrabbit

Founder of Fiverr

Food

Illustrations

Cuts of Meat

Cuts of Vegetables

Women Laughing Alone with Salad

Issuances from the Void

Objecting to Foreign Food

Meat

Fine Dining

Veganism

Fad Diets

Nutritionists

Dog & Cat Food

Processed Foods

Food Deserts

Burritos

Corn

Locovores

Macrobiotics

Farmer’s Markets

Genna Lipari

Gastropubs

Snacks

Candy

Chocolate

Savory

Soylent

“Recreational Food”

Meal Squares

Alton Sun

Rob Reinhardt

Brunch

GMOs

Astronomy

Illustrations

Letter from the Editor

At least one issue dedicated to the entire rest of the cosmos

Dwarf Planets

Horoscopes

Human Space Colonization

Black Holes

Interstellar

Luxury Space Travel

Joey Primiani

Atmospheres

the Inevitable Heat Death of the Universe

Other Dimensions

Quasars

Celebrity Astronomers & Science Fiction Actors

Tyson

Nemoy

Takei

Hawking

Language

Illustrations

Issuances from the Void

Invented Languages

Esperanto

Vernacular

jeb!

Prescriptivists

Synonyms & Antonyms

Foreign Languages

Emoji

Pseudoquotation

Music

Illustrations

Music Criticism

Streaming

Jazz

Birdsong

Film Scores

Electro-Swing

EDM

Trap

Dubstep

DJs

Musical Theatre

Being in a Band

Pop Music

Selling Out

Music Awards Ceremonies

Gigs/Gigging

Acoustics

Prog Rock

Post-Punk

shoegaze

new wave

darkwave

coldwave

minimal

twee dream jangle pop

skramz

Experimental Music

Dapplegray

Classical

Folk

Beyoncé

Soundsystems

Headphones

Selling Out

New Instruments

Electronic Melodica

Music Festivals

Literature

Illustrations

Issuances from the Void

Bookstores

Literary Criticism

Poetry

the New England Journal of Total American Bullshit

Comic Books

Genre Literature

Russian Literature

Brutal, Old Children’s Stories

Bukowski

the Beats

Postmodernism

Translated Works

Magical Realism

David Foster Wallace

Listicles

Texting

Erotic Fanfic

Erotic Bandfic

Self-Publishing

Non-Fiction

Historical Fiction

1632 (novel)

Film & Video Game Novelizations

Booze

Illustrations

Issuances from the Void

Plastic Bottles

Craft Beer

Sommaliers

Michelle Lalonde

Wine

Whiskey/Whisky

Butt Chuggin’

Drinking Games

Mixology

Domestic Beer

Binge Drinking & Blacking Out

Dry Counties

Alcoholism

Greek Life

Write Drunk, Edit Sober

Coffee

Illustrations

Issuances from the Void

Slow Drip

Cold Brew & Iced Coffee

Espresso Championships

Cream + Sugar

Servals

Tea

Coffee Flavor

Coffee Shop Culture

Decaf

Starbucks

Dark Roast

Light Roast

Pastries, etc.

Coffee & Donuts

McCafé

Hot Beverage Lawsuits

Bean Harvesting Practices

Coffee as a Status Symbol

Consumerism & Capitalism

Illustrations

Distribution of Wealth

Packaging

Advertising

Infomercials

Imperialism

Energy

Pollution

Globalization & Free Trade

Prison Labor

Financialization

Startups & Venture Capital

Marxist Analysis

Hegemony! Hegemony!

Actually Needing Things You Didn’t Know You Needed

Burning Man

Monopolies

Unions

Corporate Personhood

Collections

the Military-Industrial Complex

Illustrations

Issuances from the Void

Cyber Warfare

Drones

Police Militarization

Arming & Training Insurgents

Support Our Troops

Rewriting History

Foreign Military Bases

Domestic Military Occupations

Baltimore

Really Big Ships

the CIA

Military Video Games

War Games

Terrorists

Nuclear Arms

Private Military Contractors

Death

Illustrations

Issuances from the Void

Medicine

Illustrations

Issuances from the Void

Education

Illustrations

Issuances from the Void

Adderall

Crime

Illustrations

Issuances from the Void

Psychology

Illustrations

Issuances from the Void

Universalizing from Experiences in our Immediate Geographical Region

Leisure

Illustrations

Issuances from the Void

Vacation & the Workweek

Cruises

Indoors

Parks & Picnicking

Disc Golf

Shooting Guns

Skydiving

Driving

Raving

Art

Illustrations

Issuances from the Void

Jonny Popovich

Postmodernism

Illustrations

Issuances from the Void